Dreamer

Hello dreamers and happy Wednesday!

After a long weekend filled with events related to the wedding I had to attend, I finally got some rest! And while I was sipping my coffee, I got to think about some fears I’ve been having.

Some are caused by limiting beliefs, some are caused by trauma, and some are caused by my own mind. I want to start by saying that it’s normal to have fears, and it’s normal that those fears change over the years. But let’s begin!

Top 10 fears I have

10. Fear of heights: Even if my family says that when I was one I climbed up the stairs after my grandma, things have changed and I have a little bit of acrophobia.

9. Fear of losing Ash: I know he eventually will die but he came into my life in a moment of need, he helped me grow, so I have developed a fear of losing him, a fear of him getting sick, or premature death.

8. Fear of not making my dreams come true: As a teenager, I thought (like everyone else) that I’d make it in life, the kind of making it with a really nice car, a business that changes the little town I came from, and making in life that would punish my mid-school and high school bullies. My dreams definitely changed, and so did my perspective on life. It’s a normal course of life, cause at 12-16 what do you know about life? You know nothing about the Easter-European countries of the 2010s. However, I still to this day want to make it in life, and I kinda do, cause I managed to buy my own house without the financial help of my family, while I still live in the third most expensive city in Romania. I have a permanent job, I am doing my Ph.D, and I teach at university, I have a nice relationship, and a nice growing community on the internet without compromising my integrity and image, but the business is not quite there. So, I’m afraid that I won’t be able to create that either.

7. The fear of being judged: Well this fear is linked with the previous one. Everyone has this fear, and I am aware that it keeps me from being more active on social media, sharing more, on being more authentic, which leads to delayed business growth.

6. The fear of being alone: I still to this day sleep with lights on and something playing in the background. I’m aware that those lights won’t change a thing and the movie isn’t a real person, yet I cannot sleep without them. And it’s not only when I sleep alone, it’s every time! It calms me and reminds me of when I was little and I was sleeping with my mom.

5. The fear of making the wrong choice and missing opportunities: in life, in love, in business, in everything. As a kid who was always kept from making decisions, cause momma knows best, it was a matter of time until I went from rebellious who did everything in spite of what I was told to do, to anxious and unable to make decisions.

4. The fear of the end of the world: I mean everything possible AI, aliens, fire, GOD. Growing up in the countryside meant a green world with spring flowers, for seasons, snowy Christmases, golden autumns, and green summers. Heaven on Earth. It was the 2000’s so it wasn’t too much internet, and what it was it was pretty nice. Now, we go from heat wave to heat wave, drought, some freezing days, war news, and many other dark things. And I am aware that wars were before my time too. I know about Chornobyl, and Communism, and trust me, I am no Snowflake, but it looks like it’s getting out of control, and in a few years the whole world is going down…

3. The fear of birth: I am a woman and I am designed to bring life to this Earth. Yet, I ask myself why? It’s painfully 9 months and it’s painful either way you decide to deliver. I look at my nieces and I love them, but it doesn’t make me want kids of my own. Maybe it’s because I could not sleep for 9 months prior and then for the rest of my life, maybe because I saw my sister having blood thinner shots in the belly, maybe because it’s ripping your body apart.

2. The fear of death through fire and burns: well this is linked with my religious beliefs and I discovered it in therapy while I was dealing with anxiety. This and fear no1 are linked but I choose to put this in second place because it’s a consequence of the first place. When I was 10 I guess, a family friend died burned alive, and I remember the night sky filled with flames, I remember the smell and the stories. I developed this fear which was further alienated by my grandma who was very religious. She would tell me stories, and stories from the bible, some nice stories then there were stories about hell and how bad people end up burning there. After that, there comes the internet and the church which further propagate this theory.

1. The fear of GOD, or not being a good person: which will eventually lead to burning in hell, but also, not seeing my grandparents, not getting to know my father, and disappointing everyone. Interesting fear, isn’t it? Well, it’s so profound that not only links to the fear of fire but also with fear of making decisions. Cause, I am afraid to read the Bible. Why? If I do, I might have to make decisions, to be a better person. I think of me that I have a good hearth, that I make good deads, but I also am afraid that it’s not enough.

Well, these are my top 10 fears, that I think make me vulnerable, but they help me overcome my smaller fears. What fears do you have, what fears paralyze you, and what makes you think that you are vulnerable?

Let me know and until next time, if you find this article interesting, make it grow by sharing it, and be a part of the community by subscribing and maybe following on Instagram!

Until next time have #adreamerlife!

Cristiana Apreutese