Dreamer

Symptomatology

23rd January 2021, I posted my Winter cake article on the blog.

24th January 2021, I posted my photo on Ig.

It was exactly according to plan. The next day, I was going to post again, but I didn’t. I haven’t posted on Ig until May, and here, until august. Bonus, as it seemed for a long time, one of my difficult years just started.

Why? To achieve my goals, I needed to post, I needed to show up and do what I’ve promised.

Well, many would call this burnout. Thanks to my bad association of emotions with goals, I ended up in not even a month of work, giving up on everything.

I just woke up in the middle of finals, with no motivation, a full-time job, side hustle, and literally no energy to do anything.

I finished hardly my finals, but the grades were, well, beneath my worth. As for my job, good thing we were online, and working from home, made it bearable. 

I couldn’t write captions for posts, I couldn’t edit, let to say write articles. Then, I didn’t understand why that happened in the first place. I mean, things were like before, just a few more tasks daily. The tasks also were simple, I did them before many times.

So why? It was a question I had around Easter last year.

Until then, I was “surrounded“, not that I had a choice. I was always tired, sleepy, pretty much sad, anxious, I felt like my actions were not good enough, I had 2 panic attacks at the beginning o April, I was a mess.

As I couldn’t manage to create, to be present outside, I spent many hours online, I walked my dog, I binged watched series, rotted in house. In March, someone in my family was diagnosed with covid19.

Time passed, and around May, I started to come back.

On 8th May, I felt a slight change. I started to feel more alive, I had more energy, more vibe. 

A while after, I came back online, first on Ig feed, then stories, then eventually blog. 

Yet, as I said, one o my difficult years was ongoing. I had many things to prove at work, college, family, friends, relationships. All went downhill in 2021. 

So, even if for a while it seemed like I was getting out of that burnout state, I was coming back. 

Now, I am fine. More than fine. I am at peace with myself, I have energy for everything, and I find time to work towards my goals, all my relationships improved in one way or another.

Here comes the part when I tell you how I survived it and came back stronger.

Treatment

First of all, I asked for professional help. I went to therapy for other difficulties I had and, the process lead to realizing many things that happened from January until September when I started. 

1. All that procrastination, watching series, sleeping, being antisocial, and so on, was the way my body recharged. I did things that made me feel better, even if at that moment I didn’t notice.
2. Toxic people left my life by themselves. Being antisocial, I didn’t text first, so I woke up that I didn’t talk to some people anymore. I don’t feel bad or sorry. Now, I know that it’s normal to expect at least as much as I give, and if I don’t receive it, it’s better to let it go.
3. All kinds of relationships are based on the relationship with the self. As long as we are not on good terms with our mind and soul, our family life, friendships, and relationships will have to suffer.
4. Balance is the key to everything.
5. I eneded up in that situation because I put the key tomy happiness in someele’s pocket. To be more exact, I put an extrinsec emotional charging on my goals. When, the extrinsec factor vanished, I felt lost and nothing made sense anymore.

The second thing that helped me, even if I didn’t knew I was doing it then, was taking care of my needs. I did what I wanted when I wanted, how I wanted. Even if that meant sleeping more than 12 hours, buying myself flowers every week, staying at home, cuddling with cats, disconnecting.

The third thing was accepting and learning from it.

At the end of the day, anyone can experience this, and for many, it may seem like a step back. I know I saw it like that when I knew that I have to do some things and I was stuck. It’s not a step back, it’s an opportunity to learn and evolve. Yeah, maybe if I went on with my plan, things would have been different, but I think it’s easier to get up when you fall from a small distance than a higher one.

Prevention

From now on, I know that all my goals have only intrinsic emotional charge and never make that mistake again.

Listening to personal needs is also helpful. Hustle culture has a point, but little progress thank to a day off, is better than no progress thanks to a month of work with no rest.

Having a balance in everything, in work life, personal life, and relationships.

Rest as much as the body needs.

#adreamerlife

Crissu